


I Miss You Too

by szy



Category: Orphan Black (TV)
Genre: 306, F/F, that heart breaking moment
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-29
Updated: 2015-05-29
Packaged: 2018-04-01 20:35:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,134
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4033711
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/szy/pseuds/szy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In 3×06, when Delphine said "i miss you", Cosima left the lab. Only this time she didn't really leave.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Miss You Too

**Author's Note:**

> this is slightly au btw. I suppose it's been months from their breakup to cosima meeting shay

She was leaning against the door, sighing with relief. She thought she had made quite a decent and orderly escape. But as she stayed on in the empty hall her feeling of lost was mounting to somewhere she didn’t know. So Delphine’s not coming after me, she thought. Then what am I waiting for? I should just go. Go to that Shay girl and make out for seven hours straight. She tried to walk away, but she felt herself walking on a rocky deck, her head dizzy, her legs limp with fatigue. Maybe after another while, she thought.

“I miss you,” Delphine said, her voice echoing in her front lobe. Her scalp prickled. She drew in the lower part of her lip and slowly let go, thinking about how she had just pursed her lips when hearing those three words, how she had somehow picked up the habit that her ex had now lost. I miss you, words that would’ve made her scorn and keep her eyes shut when watching sappy romantic movies, now had for her an infinite emotional shock. What has left a line on Delphine’s face when she said it? She wondered. Love? Regret? Contrition? Or all mingled on her somewhat haggard face? No,at least not contrition. She sighed again, closing her eyes. Delphine would never be contrite. She always kept her stern gait, her high heels tapping on the granite ground. Cosima used to find it fascinating, now only tiresome. She was walking too fast in their love, making her lungs rotten for keeping up.

Just another minute, and I’ll go. She thought, her body slowly sliding down, and huddled herself into a prenatal position with her head buried between her knees. Her hand traced a mark left on her pants, a mark made by the burn of some cigarette ash. I’m such an idiot, she thought. Things she had done in post-Delphine period were all ridiculous. She even felt a sense of relief when Felix told her that “the new boss ass bitch has buggered off to Europe.” Thank God she didn’t have to deal with her after all the awkwardness. She could just be herself, and sadly the reverse was true.

She found a second-rate French restaurant months ago soon after Delphine had just left. She always went there at lunchtime when the crowd started to gather. The smell of people, sweat and food nauseated her, and she enjoyed it all the more. After lunch she walked down the street to a store, getting her routine french cigarettes and occasionally, eskimo pies. It was like those loutish adolescent years all over again, she thought self-deprecatingly, but too chickenshit to change any of these for the fear of making things worse.

And all these had worsened her cough. Sometimes she would be awakened by coughing, late at night. She coughed and coughed, one vein stuck out on her temple and protruded more by every single wave. Then she switched open the light and sat on the sofa, lighting another cigarette. She was but a forlorn brat yearning for attention. You asked me to cure myself and all of my sisters, she thought, don’t you see that your leaving will kill me before I can get a cure? Come and beat up on me, come and yell at me to drop this goddamn cigarette. Why don’t you come? If you didn’t come, I’ll smoke away the whole pack and kick the bucket before I know it. It was when she lost the trace of her thought, the trace of time, the trace of everything. Then she felt a sting, and the mark was already there.

So she was moping weeks and weeks away, and the fact that even science couldn’t console her really terrified her. One time she was talking with Scott about Duncan’s big jumble book, and hearing his explanatory voice only made her weak with torpor. The torpid rustling of the book. The torpid rustling of those eskimo pie’s plastic packs at her feet. She rushed to hang up the phone when Felix barged in, and being accused of appearing “hideous”, she felt that her pain was, anyhow, abated.

“Cosima, this jumper absolutely reeks of pining,” he said.

“I pine for no woman,” she retorted, “I’m anti-pine.”

Then everything happened so quick she didn’t have time to react: being dragged to Bobby’s bar for a nip or two, being signed up on Sapphire, being ordered to choose an online girlfriend. Maybe it was Felix that kind of cheered her up. Maybe she finally faltered at the thought of watching herself reek in a murky stank. Everything was so out of place anyway. What more could go wrong?

She didn’t have a thing for blondes, at least not before Delphine. But when she was scrolling through faces, she found that her look could linger only if blondes waltzed into her sight. She marveled at her innate flair for singling out all the pretty blondes on the site. That was how this Shay girl caught her attention: blonde, pretty, holistic healing.

Heal me then, she thought.

The night before her first internet date she had a messy wet dream. She was very nervous, her eyebrows furrowed, her hands clutched to the blanket. The anxiety and nervousness was crushing through her body over and over again. Was she nervous for getting laid? Well there were times when she was fused with lust, and everything she saw and smelled carried the scent of cunt. She devoured different kinds of donuts, her tongue sticking in the hole, “oh, please let me......”she sometimes mumbled in her dreams, donuts piling up in her brain. It was funny. And every time when she was eating eskimo pies, she was playing with those memories again. A nest of two neuroses, she thought and laughed. Dropping melting ice-cream on their naked bodies, kissing, licking away the viscous, and fucking, fucking, fucking till the end of the day.

They say each cunt has her unique scent and flavor. So what is it like tasting another woman? Will it be as easy as trying out a different flavor of donut? 

She was already half-waked, and it was almost dawn. She figured she could catch another hour of sleep before getting up. She always used science to help her sleep. It was kind of her thing. Buckminster Fuller. Sacred Geometry. The Golden Ratio. Base Pair. Host and Parasite. Yin and Yang. Night and Day. Rein and Bridle. Chinese food and chopsticks. Fish and chip. Keys and Holes. Hope and Despair. Love and Hate. Scientist and Experiment. Doctor and Patient. Monitor and Subject. Delphine and Cosima.

Delphine and Cosima

Delphine and Cosima

She then easily stumbled into a light sleep, and when she woke up, she felt hungry and empty. Her mind was in a vortex of systems of words. The word “monitor” haunted her all the way to Bobby’s bar. She sometimes forgot that Delphine was her monitor when they were together, but the word knocked on her door on this particular morning and wouldn’t let itself go. The more she thought about it, the more layers of masks she put on her face. Someone is monitoring me, she thought, and they might report to Delphine. They might even take pictures of me and Shay together. She grew obsessed with this idea when she was waiting for Shay’s arrival. Look, Delphine, look how beautiful I am. I am well off without you. I can get as many blondes as I want. Have you seen me smiling? I’ve smiled the way I’ve never smiled before. My cute little fangs are glittering in the somber bar, and I am the one person shining in the afterglow.

Her feelings that day were absurdly sentimentalized and hard to rationalize. She had acted way too hard. Too hard that when she said “you are way more than I expected”, she forgot that they were in Felix’s loft where no one was taking pictures. But when Shay kissed her, she didn’t resist. Instead, she got easily turned on. Fuck me, fuck me, fuck me till I forget all of this shit.

Her head was pounding now. Her feeling vertiginous didn’t go away, and her buttocks and thighs were numb from squatting too long. She struggled to get up, her hands clinging to the cement wall. She half-turned and placed her forehead on the heavy door. She was finally up. Will she see those pictures? Can we please rewind? Or maybe she should see them after all? Thoughts like these were roaming in her head, as if those pictures had really been taken. She sandwiched her head between her hands, “You want to play games?” She heard Delphine saying. Hell no, she thought. Why are you being so cold? I don’t think I know you anymore, and now you say you miss me. Goddamn you Delphine. Her eyes sore, her legs jittery, she felt her throat choked up by a sudden wave of melancholy and her eyes began to leak, and she felt herself falling off into the familiar embrace of a motley collection.

The collection of expensive perfume and French cigarettes were so real that she opened her eyes. And she saw Delphine standing right in front of her, having changed into her handsome black suit, shocked either by her sudden knock or her tear-stained face, or both.

She bolted from the lab, or at least was trying to, but all she felt was a sudden yank at the arm and the next thing she knew she was in Delphine’s clasp.

She never knew Delphine was that strong before. Every inch of her body hurt from her squeezing. Let go, she wanted to shout out, but all she could make was those meek pummels at Delphine’s chest. Fuck you, she cursed, her voice broken with tears. Fuck you, Delphine. But wasn’t it all she wanted all along? To fuck her? And being fucked by her? Then she realized they both were shaking and trembling and she craned to look up at her face. She wasn’t crying alone. Delphine’s eyes were red. She was sobbing wretchedly, only in silence on her shoulder. Cosima finally uncoiled a bit of her quivering grip, and this time, she didn’t hesitate to stand on her tiptoe and kiss her.

Their lips were both swollen from crying, and their kisses hadn’t been so rough and uncivilized as before. They kissed like they didn’t know how to kiss, like they were two beasts eager to bite each other’s head off. The gnawing was unbearably aching.

Delphine pushed Cosima against the wall, and between kisses she mumbled in her ear, her voice low and almost husky, “I miss you, Cosima,” she said, “I miss you so much, sometimes so much I can hardly stand it.” 

She didn’t even think about saying it back, because her voice and her smell were way too much. She was drowned in the smell of her cigarette and perfume and her hair now tickling her nose. She remembered laughing at her golden curls blocking the bathroom sewer drain. She remembered being obsessed with the faint smell of cigarette lingering on her fingertips, and how they tantalized her lust, her chin, her clit, just as the way they strummed her neck when she was kissing her. “Strumming my pain with his fingers,” the old lyrics popped out of her head. All the time they had lost. Of all the time to keep away from each other. She felt hurt, chagrin and horny than ever.

She grabbed one of Delphine’s hands and pressed it on her breast, her nipple hardened immediately at the familiar touch. Delphine’s hand was stiff at first, then was groping all over her body. Their body was doing a vertical dance of writhing and their faces were a total chaos by all the hot tears and wet kisses, but they didn’t care any more. For the first time in a long time, they cared about nothing but a good fuck in the lab.

Delphine’s hand went up Cosima’s thigh, and her leg was automatically wrapped around her waist. She undid her pants and delved in her hand, feeling the moist right away. She kissed her before entering, and Cosima was already moaning in her mouth. “Not yet,” she said, pushing in harder and began her gentle strokes. Her palm was rubbing against the clit, and it was all she needed to come.

It turned out that only Delphine and her hand can fill the space inside of her. Keys and Holes. Delphine and Cosima. She felt whole again.

She shivered three times before she finally released her whole slender weight against her, and she murmured, her voice too light to be heard,

“I miss you too.”


End file.
